I have tears in my eyes reading this. I too wonder what to do with the aforementioned secret room. Last year we did decide to have a third, who is now the squishiest four month old. Throughout the pregnancy I was very vocal about this baby being the last, and yet! I wonder…is there one more in me?
Haha this is me, currently very pregnant with our third and loudly trying to convince myself that it's definitely the last. (Struggling immensely with insomnia/low iron/looking after two small children so I think another pregnancy would break me, and yet...)
Love the way you write about this - it is a privilege to read about this experience. I couldn't wait for mine to not be babies anymore and part of me regrets that though I don't know if I could have changed.
I did get to hold my 8mo great nephew yesterday, and he was in footie pjs, and the feel of warm baby through jersey knit is a sensory experience like none on earth and the main one I miss, but there are incalculable joys when you get past the "both under 5yo" hurdle, and reading how present you are with your babies makes me more consciously present with mine.
Solidarity! I feel like I spent the first two years of our youngest's life in a low grade panic about him being the last baby, and about how I might regret it forever if we stopped there. Then the pandemic hit and I lost my nerve, but I wish I could have looked to the near future for comfort -- now the kids are almost 9 and 7 and I don't think about it at all anymore. Sorry to that hypothetical third kid!!
RIP third kid, you were the one we finally got right! (jk) And also thank you for speaking to me from the near future, it's true that the further I get from the newborn stage the less willing I am to lobotomize myself again. Until I see a squishy out in the world...maybe all babies should be kept inside until they are 1, so as not to tempt my weak-willed ovaries?
Wonderfully written. Resonates so much in me, i have 3 children, the last one being 1yo, and i find it difficult to imagine it's my last baby, that i will not meet another wonderful human coming out of my woomb, that surreal experience of crossing the 2 worlds and then lingering in the postpartum bliss (for me it's bliss, but the pregnancy is hell) sniffing and smooching a baby.
But sometimes i wonder if part of the nostalgia is the fact that i will move form being a "young mom" with babies in toe to a middle aged confirmed mom of primary school kids. Growing old etc.
I came to read this essay because i read the one about the cat lady and i am treasuring your wisdom about having indefinite love but not infinite capacity for care. It will stay with me, so thank you.
Thank YOU for reading - and yes, where else do we get to exist in that boundary space between life and...all the mystery beyond? It's intoxicating and beautiful.
I recorded voice memos to myself while pregnant with my third daughter. I tell myself "Remember this when you want another. Remember how uncomfortable you are, how hard this is, how anxious you are about labor." AND YET. My third broke me open more than the others! I think perhaps because I know she's *probably* the last. It all goes so fast, and you appreciate it more each time. I, too, think there is probably no limit to babies I could have, but at some point you make a choice. I now know why old women look at me and my daughters the way they do. I will look at young women that way someday.
Voice memos! This is so brilliant, especially because my only record of how miserable I was during pregnancy is my husband, who doesn't want a third so how am I to know if he's telling the truth when he says I hated being pregnant??? (He's right, I did, but what does he know?)
Argh, yes, especially the last paragraph. My youngest is 19 months and I think about whether we will have a third probably every day. It’s a constant internal debate that sometimes swings one way, sometimes more another. I honestly feel it robs me of some joy with the two kids I do have. Nice to read the comment above from the woman whose kids are a little older now for some perspective.
Whenever I moan about wanting another baby, my husband (annoyingly) says, "But you HAVE a baby!!!" And he's right! So yes, I feel this fear - that the yearning keeps me from being present.
Are you living my life? Am I you? Are you me? I had a dream two nights ago that I was pregnant in a large kitchen and about to go into labour and some older women were making potions for me. I woke up wishing it were true.
Also, I make the same immunity cubes! They're addictive. They keep me healthy-ish, when my son sneezes directly into my mouth.
I have tears in my eyes reading this. I too wonder what to do with the aforementioned secret room. Last year we did decide to have a third, who is now the squishiest four month old. Throughout the pregnancy I was very vocal about this baby being the last, and yet! I wonder…is there one more in me?
Haha this is me, currently very pregnant with our third and loudly trying to convince myself that it's definitely the last. (Struggling immensely with insomnia/low iron/looking after two small children so I think another pregnancy would break me, and yet...)
AND YET
Oh, the squishies. Is there always one more in us?
Love the way you write about this - it is a privilege to read about this experience. I couldn't wait for mine to not be babies anymore and part of me regrets that though I don't know if I could have changed.
I did get to hold my 8mo great nephew yesterday, and he was in footie pjs, and the feel of warm baby through jersey knit is a sensory experience like none on earth and the main one I miss, but there are incalculable joys when you get past the "both under 5yo" hurdle, and reading how present you are with your babies makes me more consciously present with mine.
How strange that parenthood is always wishing to return to what you had while waiting breathlessly for what's next...
Solidarity! I feel like I spent the first two years of our youngest's life in a low grade panic about him being the last baby, and about how I might regret it forever if we stopped there. Then the pandemic hit and I lost my nerve, but I wish I could have looked to the near future for comfort -- now the kids are almost 9 and 7 and I don't think about it at all anymore. Sorry to that hypothetical third kid!!
RIP third kid, you were the one we finally got right! (jk) And also thank you for speaking to me from the near future, it's true that the further I get from the newborn stage the less willing I am to lobotomize myself again. Until I see a squishy out in the world...maybe all babies should be kept inside until they are 1, so as not to tempt my weak-willed ovaries?
Thanks for sharing, this is actually hugely comforting!
Wonderfully written. Resonates so much in me, i have 3 children, the last one being 1yo, and i find it difficult to imagine it's my last baby, that i will not meet another wonderful human coming out of my woomb, that surreal experience of crossing the 2 worlds and then lingering in the postpartum bliss (for me it's bliss, but the pregnancy is hell) sniffing and smooching a baby.
But sometimes i wonder if part of the nostalgia is the fact that i will move form being a "young mom" with babies in toe to a middle aged confirmed mom of primary school kids. Growing old etc.
I came to read this essay because i read the one about the cat lady and i am treasuring your wisdom about having indefinite love but not infinite capacity for care. It will stay with me, so thank you.
Thank YOU for reading - and yes, where else do we get to exist in that boundary space between life and...all the mystery beyond? It's intoxicating and beautiful.
I recorded voice memos to myself while pregnant with my third daughter. I tell myself "Remember this when you want another. Remember how uncomfortable you are, how hard this is, how anxious you are about labor." AND YET. My third broke me open more than the others! I think perhaps because I know she's *probably* the last. It all goes so fast, and you appreciate it more each time. I, too, think there is probably no limit to babies I could have, but at some point you make a choice. I now know why old women look at me and my daughters the way they do. I will look at young women that way someday.
Voice memos! This is so brilliant, especially because my only record of how miserable I was during pregnancy is my husband, who doesn't want a third so how am I to know if he's telling the truth when he says I hated being pregnant??? (He's right, I did, but what does he know?)
can I just have your thoughts in a steady IV drip forever
Oh how this essay brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for articulating so beautifully what feels impossible to describe.
I use 6x this spice mix in a 6 qt pot for my chai base, and then add milk and sugar and water/ice as I'm ready to drink it
https://www.diasporaco.com/blogs/recipes/sanas-kadak-spicy-chai
I cherished every word of this, thank you!
Thank YOU for reading <3
"prairie-dress-wearing golem made of sourdough starter and Jesus" is just the most glorious phrase.
Absolutely incredible, I agree!
Argh, yes, especially the last paragraph. My youngest is 19 months and I think about whether we will have a third probably every day. It’s a constant internal debate that sometimes swings one way, sometimes more another. I honestly feel it robs me of some joy with the two kids I do have. Nice to read the comment above from the woman whose kids are a little older now for some perspective.
Whenever I moan about wanting another baby, my husband (annoyingly) says, "But you HAVE a baby!!!" And he's right! So yes, I feel this fear - that the yearning keeps me from being present.
Are you living my life? Am I you? Are you me? I had a dream two nights ago that I was pregnant in a large kitchen and about to go into labour and some older women were making potions for me. I woke up wishing it were true.
Also, I make the same immunity cubes! They're addictive. They keep me healthy-ish, when my son sneezes directly into my mouth.
I love everything you write.
I WISH I were you. Let me make you immunity cubes while you labor? I would love nothing more.